1 00:00:02,219 --> 00:00:04,569 ♪♪ [theme] 2 00:01:00,756 --> 00:01:02,888 HAWKEYE: This needs more heat. Put it in the sun. 3 00:01:02,932 --> 00:01:04,760 You want it fermented, not melted. 4 00:01:04,803 --> 00:01:06,370 Don't argue with me. I majored in this. 5 00:01:06,414 --> 00:01:07,980 Top fifth of your class? 6 00:01:08,024 --> 00:01:10,635 Sir? Captain Hunnicutt-- 7 00:01:10,679 --> 00:01:13,203 -Radar, not so loud. You wanna bruise it? -I'm sorry. 8 00:01:13,247 --> 00:01:16,641 -Shh. -Hold on to your livers. I'm going in for a taste. 9 00:01:19,644 --> 00:01:23,039 -[coughing] -How can you sirs do that to yourselves? 10 00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:24,693 Everybody's gotta have a hobby, Radar. 11 00:01:24,736 --> 00:01:26,260 Ours is committing suicide. 12 00:01:26,303 --> 00:01:28,262 What do you got? Hopefully, one air conditioner. 13 00:01:28,305 --> 00:01:29,785 Oh, no, it's a telegram from your wife. 14 00:01:29,828 --> 00:01:30,873 You know, Mrs. Hunnicutt? 15 00:01:30,916 --> 00:01:32,788 -Telegram? -Yeah. 16 00:01:32,831 --> 00:01:34,790 -Just phoned it in. -It's in Korean. 17 00:01:34,833 --> 00:01:36,792 No, that's my handwriting. 18 00:01:36,835 --> 00:01:40,709 "Dorman ready to sell us our acre in Stinson Beach. Stop. 19 00:01:40,752 --> 00:01:43,364 "Need $200 by the 15th for down payment. 20 00:01:43,407 --> 00:01:45,627 Stop. Love, Peg. Stop." 21 00:01:45,670 --> 00:01:46,932 Radar, stop. 22 00:01:46,976 --> 00:01:48,238 Ya-ha-hoo! 23 00:01:48,282 --> 00:01:50,284 Sir, people are looking! 24 00:01:50,327 --> 00:01:52,808 -I can't believe it! -Good news? 25 00:01:52,851 --> 00:01:55,332 Peg and I have wanted this property ever since we were married. 26 00:01:55,376 --> 00:01:59,945 It's got trees, the beach, a view of San Francisco, everything! 27 00:01:59,989 --> 00:02:02,034 Sounds all right if you're willing to settle for everything. 28 00:02:02,078 --> 00:02:04,559 The 15th? Hawk, today's the 15th! 29 00:02:04,602 --> 00:02:06,691 I gotta have this money today, and I don't have it. 30 00:02:06,735 --> 00:02:08,650 Well, don't look at me. I just spent my last five bucks 31 00:02:08,693 --> 00:02:11,305 on a subscription to Frolicking Nudists. 32 00:02:11,348 --> 00:02:14,003 Saved 50 cents off the newsstand price. 33 00:02:14,046 --> 00:02:15,396 Radar, could you... 34 00:02:15,439 --> 00:02:17,354 Sixteen dollars and 27 cents. 35 00:02:17,398 --> 00:02:19,182 -But it's all yours. -Well, that's a start. 36 00:02:19,226 --> 00:02:20,662 You can get a tree with a view. 37 00:02:20,705 --> 00:02:22,011 Damn! Now somebody else will buy that land 38 00:02:22,054 --> 00:02:23,230 and put up a shopping center. 39 00:02:23,273 --> 00:02:25,232 ♪♪ [whistling] 40 00:02:25,275 --> 00:02:28,235 Uh, speaking of that somebody... 41 00:02:28,278 --> 00:02:30,280 Good morning, Charles. 42 00:02:30,324 --> 00:02:32,456 Good morning, gentlemen. 43 00:02:32,500 --> 00:02:33,979 -Corporal. -Sir. 44 00:02:34,023 --> 00:02:35,416 Warm today, isn't it, Charles? 45 00:02:35,459 --> 00:02:36,895 I wouldn't know. 46 00:02:36,939 --> 00:02:39,333 Charles, B.J. Needs $200. Lend him some, will ya? 47 00:02:39,376 --> 00:02:40,986 Very subtle, Hawk. 48 00:02:41,030 --> 00:02:42,640 $200? That's a lot of money. 49 00:02:42,684 --> 00:02:44,642 -Not for you, sir. -Of course not for me. 50 00:02:44,686 --> 00:02:46,775 I was referring to Pierce's depleted friend. 51 00:02:46,818 --> 00:02:48,603 Charles, I need it to make a down payment 52 00:02:48,646 --> 00:02:50,213 on some property that's very important to me. 53 00:02:50,257 --> 00:02:52,215 I don't know. 54 00:02:52,259 --> 00:02:54,217 It would mean parting with most of my ready cash. 55 00:02:54,261 --> 00:02:55,740 -I like to stay liquid. -Hence, the rubber sheets. 56 00:02:55,784 --> 00:02:58,656 Slip back into your coma, Pierce. 57 00:02:58,700 --> 00:03:01,529 It's a matter of life or death. Look, tomorrow's payday. 58 00:03:01,572 --> 00:03:03,879 You'll have it back in your hand just as soon as I get paid. 59 00:03:03,922 --> 00:03:07,230 Well, you obviously can't leave town. 60 00:03:07,274 --> 00:03:09,537 Charles, I'll be indebted to you for the rest of my life. 61 00:03:09,580 --> 00:03:11,408 It'll take him that long to pay you back. 62 00:03:11,452 --> 00:03:12,801 -Radar? -Don't hug me. 63 00:03:12,844 --> 00:03:14,455 Get this money to Peg. 64 00:03:14,498 --> 00:03:16,457 -I'm halfway there already. -I'm depending on you. 65 00:03:16,500 --> 00:03:18,459 Oh, sir? Congratulations, and many more of 'em. 66 00:03:18,502 --> 00:03:20,461 -Go, go, go, go! -All right! Fine. 67 00:03:20,504 --> 00:03:22,985 -This calls for a toast. -Of that? 68 00:03:23,028 --> 00:03:26,380 Mother Pierce's Liquid Land Mine. 69 00:03:26,423 --> 00:03:28,382 -You sip it. -You sip it through a fuse. 70 00:03:28,425 --> 00:03:30,471 Thank you, no. I make it a point never to consume anything 71 00:03:30,514 --> 00:03:32,473 that's been aged in a radiator. 72 00:03:32,516 --> 00:03:34,475 He knows what he's missing. 73 00:03:34,518 --> 00:03:37,217 -To God's little acre. -And his gardener. 74 00:03:37,260 --> 00:03:39,828 MAN [on P.A.]: Attention! Attention! Incoming wounded. 75 00:03:39,871 --> 00:03:41,917 First medical team report to the chopper pad. 76 00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:43,788 Well, celebrate fast around here. 77 00:03:53,102 --> 00:03:55,583 [chatter] 78 00:03:57,367 --> 00:03:58,803 Ready for the next one, Klinger. 79 00:03:58,847 --> 00:04:00,979 Captain Pierce got the last guy. 80 00:04:01,023 --> 00:04:02,981 HAWKEYE: Please, take the rest of the siege off. 81 00:04:03,025 --> 00:04:05,288 Okay, if anyone wants me, I'll be in my tent 82 00:04:05,332 --> 00:04:07,290 marinating the old bunions. 83 00:04:07,334 --> 00:04:09,597 -B.J.: Bon "appe-feet." -Corny. Corny. 84 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:11,686 Take it away, Klinger. The leg goes in traction. 85 00:04:11,729 --> 00:04:13,688 Ladies first. Roy! 86 00:04:13,731 --> 00:04:16,517 -See you for dinner, Beej? -Our little spot. 87 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:19,171 Hunnicutt, could I trouble you for a consultation? 88 00:04:19,215 --> 00:04:21,173 On my way. 89 00:04:21,217 --> 00:04:23,175 This small bowel look perforated to you? 90 00:04:23,219 --> 00:04:25,177 I can't see it. Retract the liver. 91 00:04:25,221 --> 00:04:28,093 Both my hands are tied up at the moment. Could you do it? 92 00:04:28,137 --> 00:04:29,312 As long as I'm in the neighborhood. 93 00:04:29,356 --> 00:04:31,314 Fresh gloves. Retractor. 94 00:04:31,358 --> 00:04:34,839 So you're moving up to real estate, eh? 95 00:04:34,883 --> 00:04:36,363 Stinson Beach is not real estate. 96 00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:37,842 It's heaven with a view. 97 00:04:37,886 --> 00:04:40,280 Dad owned some property like that once. 98 00:04:40,323 --> 00:04:43,892 Out on the Cape. Hyannisport. Gee, we loved to go there. 99 00:04:43,935 --> 00:04:47,287 Then this large family moved in next door. 100 00:04:47,330 --> 00:04:49,289 Nouveau riche. 101 00:04:49,332 --> 00:04:52,248 Played a perpetual game of touch football on their lawn. 102 00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:54,294 Naturally, we moved out. 103 00:04:54,337 --> 00:04:56,992 They'll let those nouveaus live anywhere. Wipe. 104 00:04:57,035 --> 00:04:59,473 I've got some photos of my property, if you're interested. 105 00:04:59,516 --> 00:05:01,997 Of course I'm not interested. 106 00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:03,259 You know, you were extremely fortunate 107 00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:05,000 that I was around with that money. 108 00:05:05,043 --> 00:05:06,306 Thanks again. 109 00:05:06,349 --> 00:05:08,917 Oh, don't-- don't mention it. 110 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:10,919 It did work out well for you though. 111 00:05:10,962 --> 00:05:13,835 Peachy. No perforations here. 112 00:05:13,878 --> 00:05:16,490 -Good. Do me a small favor? -If it's small enough. 113 00:05:16,533 --> 00:05:18,666 Just kidding, Charles. What is it? 114 00:05:18,709 --> 00:05:20,929 Uh, close the patient for me. 115 00:05:20,972 --> 00:05:22,452 Well, it's your patient. 116 00:05:22,496 --> 00:05:23,758 Just this once. 117 00:05:23,801 --> 00:05:25,412 I'm due in post-op in half an hour. 118 00:05:25,455 --> 00:05:27,022 I'd really like to grab a little bite first. 119 00:05:27,065 --> 00:05:29,807 That's not the usual procedure, Charles. 120 00:05:29,851 --> 00:05:31,809 Just this once? It's been a long day... 121 00:05:31,853 --> 00:05:35,073 what with casualties, business transactions. 122 00:05:35,117 --> 00:05:39,295 Right. Go grab your bite. 123 00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:40,818 Thank you. 124 00:05:42,994 --> 00:05:45,040 I think I should've stolen the money. 125 00:05:45,083 --> 00:05:48,391 And here, where this rock is, will be the living room. 126 00:05:48,435 --> 00:05:50,698 -Or maybe the garage. -I hope you make up your mind 127 00:05:50,741 --> 00:05:52,395 before you lay down the carpeting. 128 00:05:52,439 --> 00:05:54,397 Good morning, Charles. Good morning, B.J. 129 00:05:54,441 --> 00:05:55,485 No, I do not want to look at your land again. 130 00:05:55,529 --> 00:05:56,660 You're just jealous. 131 00:05:56,704 --> 00:05:58,009 Olive drab with envy. 132 00:06:00,403 --> 00:06:03,275 -Ahh. -What time's pay? 133 00:06:03,319 --> 00:06:05,277 At 11:00 or 1100 hours. 134 00:06:05,321 --> 00:06:07,236 I can never keep that straight. 135 00:06:07,279 --> 00:06:08,672 Good. We have time to enjoy breakfast 136 00:06:08,716 --> 00:06:10,413 and still recover from it. 137 00:06:10,457 --> 00:06:12,415 Which one of these shirts goes best with my pants? 138 00:06:12,459 --> 00:06:14,417 -Uh, the green one. -You're right. 139 00:06:14,461 --> 00:06:17,333 It matches my skin. Hurry up, okay? 140 00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,553 Yeah. 141 00:06:19,596 --> 00:06:20,989 Hunnicutt, before you leave, 142 00:06:21,032 --> 00:06:22,599 I sure could go for a cup of coffee. 143 00:06:22,643 --> 00:06:24,775 So go. Pot's on the stove. 144 00:06:24,819 --> 00:06:27,256 See, I'd like to, but I have this bad back. 145 00:06:27,299 --> 00:06:28,997 Would you be a good egg and pour me a cup? 146 00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:31,782 Winchester, is this some kind of game? 147 00:06:31,826 --> 00:06:33,871 Game? 148 00:06:33,915 --> 00:06:36,396 "Close for me." "Get me a cup of coffee." 149 00:06:36,439 --> 00:06:38,354 I have the feeling I've become your $200 houseboy. 150 00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:41,444 Well, I'm certainly surprised at your attitude. 151 00:06:41,488 --> 00:06:43,446 If you feel that way about it, I'll get it. 152 00:06:43,490 --> 00:06:45,100 It's just a simple little thing, for heaven's sake. 153 00:06:45,143 --> 00:06:46,710 Ooh! Please, leave. 154 00:06:46,754 --> 00:06:48,843 [groaning] 155 00:06:57,547 --> 00:06:59,723 -Anything else? -No. Take it black. 156 00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:01,725 See you at 11:00. 157 00:07:03,901 --> 00:07:05,425 Are you still in Korea? 158 00:07:05,468 --> 00:07:06,861 I thought you got smart and went home. 159 00:07:06,904 --> 00:07:09,690 Can you believe the nerve of that guy? 160 00:07:09,733 --> 00:07:11,605 Wait. Don't tell me. Let me guess. 161 00:07:11,648 --> 00:07:13,650 "Oh, Hunnicutt, since I lent you that money, 162 00:07:13,694 --> 00:07:15,652 would you be a good sport and simonize my head?" 163 00:07:15,696 --> 00:07:17,872 -Don't give him any ideas. -You're a schnook. 164 00:07:17,915 --> 00:07:19,874 Thanks. That's nice. 165 00:07:19,917 --> 00:07:22,311 Beej, you're the kind of guy who lets that kind of guy get to you. 166 00:07:22,354 --> 00:07:25,357 So you massage the clown's ego for 24 hours. What do you care? 167 00:07:25,401 --> 00:07:27,751 You're still the one with the Golden Gate in your backyard. 168 00:07:27,795 --> 00:07:30,362 You're right. You know, sometimes it takes a simple mind like yours 169 00:07:30,406 --> 00:07:32,800 -to work things out. -I'm glad I could be of help. 170 00:07:32,843 --> 00:07:35,759 -Hunnicutt, do get the door. -Of course. 171 00:07:37,587 --> 00:07:39,459 Thank you. 172 00:07:39,502 --> 00:07:41,504 Donald has a brilliant system. 173 00:07:41,548 --> 00:07:42,853 I send him my pay, 174 00:07:42,897 --> 00:07:44,942 and he sends me an allowance of $30 a week. 175 00:07:44,986 --> 00:07:46,335 It's a swell system. 176 00:07:46,378 --> 00:07:48,424 He says by the time the war is over, 177 00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:51,688 we'll have saved enough to buy our off-post dream house. 178 00:07:51,732 --> 00:07:54,256 When we got ours, it came with a mother-in-law. 179 00:07:54,299 --> 00:07:55,562 -Ah. -Fortunately for me, 180 00:07:55,605 --> 00:07:58,826 World War I started the next day. 181 00:07:58,869 --> 00:08:00,828 Sang Mu is waiting behind Rosie's. 182 00:08:00,871 --> 00:08:02,438 -Hot dog! -Who's Sang Mu? 183 00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:04,745 Korea's answer to Marshall Field. 184 00:08:04,788 --> 00:08:07,269 Six floors of merchandise jammed into one rickshaw. 185 00:08:07,312 --> 00:08:08,705 Part of my pay's going 186 00:08:08,749 --> 00:08:10,446 to a spiffy blanket for my little mare. 187 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,013 I think she's using you. 188 00:08:12,056 --> 00:08:13,536 Wait'll you see the string of pearls 189 00:08:13,580 --> 00:08:15,495 Sang Mu set aside for me. 190 00:08:15,538 --> 00:08:18,323 Klinger, when are you gonna give up this inane masquerade? 191 00:08:18,367 --> 00:08:19,673 Ask him. 192 00:08:19,716 --> 00:08:21,413 Sir, permission to whisper in your ear? 193 00:08:21,457 --> 00:08:23,546 -What's the problem? -[whispering] 194 00:08:23,590 --> 00:08:26,723 What do you mean there's not enough pay? 195 00:08:26,767 --> 00:08:29,204 That--Never mind that. Just spit it out, son. 196 00:08:29,247 --> 00:08:32,468 Okay. Headquarters in Tokyo fouled up 197 00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:34,688 and sent part of our pay to a bakery unit in Guam. 198 00:08:34,731 --> 00:08:37,212 It's gonna take at least a week to straighten it all out. 199 00:08:37,255 --> 00:08:40,389 -[all shouting] -At ease, at ease. 200 00:08:40,432 --> 00:08:43,827 Shut 'em up. All right, Radar, take whatever money came, 201 00:08:43,871 --> 00:08:47,788 pool it, and pay off the enlisted men until the well runs dry. 202 00:08:47,831 --> 00:08:51,400 -[cheering] -Colonel, what about the officers? 203 00:08:51,443 --> 00:08:52,662 S.O.P., Major. 204 00:08:52,706 --> 00:08:54,577 To hell with regulations! 205 00:08:54,621 --> 00:08:57,449 Ooh, Major. Don't yell at my bird. 206 00:08:57,493 --> 00:08:58,886 I'm sorry, sir. 207 00:08:58,929 --> 00:09:01,149 It's just that Donald will be so disappointed. 208 00:09:01,192 --> 00:09:03,281 Forget about Donald. What am I gonna do about Winchester? 209 00:09:03,325 --> 00:09:05,153 Simple. Ask for a second mortgage. 210 00:09:05,196 --> 00:09:08,504 Sweetheart, I'm only asking for a week's advance. 211 00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:11,768 It's not as if it were my fault, darling. 212 00:09:13,378 --> 00:09:15,859 Listen, Donald, I send you every paycheck. 213 00:09:15,903 --> 00:09:19,733 You can shoot some back for once. 214 00:09:19,776 --> 00:09:22,387 Then cash in one of our lousy savings bonds! 215 00:09:22,431 --> 00:09:23,867 It's been five minutes, Major. 216 00:09:23,911 --> 00:09:26,478 How would you like me to stuff this up your nose? 217 00:09:26,522 --> 00:09:28,306 No, thank you, ma'am. But we do sort of need our telephone. 218 00:09:28,350 --> 00:09:29,394 You'll get it when I get off! 219 00:09:29,438 --> 00:09:31,222 -Now, get out! -Right. 220 00:09:31,266 --> 00:09:33,964 I cannot believe you are gonna be this cheap. 221 00:09:34,008 --> 00:09:35,966 What? A guy can't even have his own office. 222 00:09:36,010 --> 00:09:37,751 What? 223 00:09:37,794 --> 00:09:40,623 I hope your colonel's well. 224 00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:43,800 I think it's about time we made some changes in our little system. 225 00:09:43,844 --> 00:09:45,933 Send the money! 226 00:09:45,976 --> 00:09:48,588 Donald, don't you dare hang up on me! 227 00:09:48,631 --> 00:09:50,720 You just sit there and listen to this! 228 00:09:50,764 --> 00:09:53,375 Love's a wonderful thing, son. 229 00:09:53,418 --> 00:09:55,812 Oh, Colonel. 230 00:09:55,856 --> 00:09:57,292 Donald and I were merely-- 231 00:09:57,335 --> 00:09:58,989 Say no more, Major. 232 00:09:59,033 --> 00:10:00,208 Why don't you hold back 233 00:10:00,251 --> 00:10:01,601 a few dollars from your pay? 234 00:10:01,644 --> 00:10:04,125 Uh, from now on, I will. 235 00:10:04,168 --> 00:10:05,387 You're learning. 236 00:10:05,430 --> 00:10:07,694 I appreciate the advice, sir. 237 00:10:07,737 --> 00:10:10,392 -Advice is cheap. -So is Colonel Donald. 238 00:10:10,435 --> 00:10:11,872 How dare you! 239 00:10:11,915 --> 00:10:14,701 Well, you said it first. 240 00:10:14,744 --> 00:10:18,095 Excuse me. Twerp! 241 00:10:19,749 --> 00:10:22,273 That fella's married to a live grenade. 242 00:10:22,317 --> 00:10:24,754 He's lucky. He's in Tokyo, out of range. 243 00:10:24,798 --> 00:10:27,539 -You want to send a telegram to Mrs. Potter? -Radar, I want to send-- 244 00:10:27,583 --> 00:10:29,106 -Must be important. -It's kind of important. 245 00:10:29,150 --> 00:10:31,108 -Shoot, sir. -She's gotta send me 50 bucks, 246 00:10:31,152 --> 00:10:33,284 or I'll lose Sophie's new blanket. 247 00:10:33,328 --> 00:10:36,070 -I could lend you the money, sir. -Oh, nice gesture, son. 248 00:10:36,113 --> 00:10:37,854 -But it wouldn't be right. -Why not? 249 00:10:37,898 --> 00:10:39,726 'Cause you I'd have to pay back. 250 00:10:39,769 --> 00:10:41,902 Better believe it. 251 00:10:41,945 --> 00:10:44,426 I mean, uh, you're right again, sir. 252 00:10:44,469 --> 00:10:46,080 Colonel. 253 00:10:46,123 --> 00:10:48,256 ♪♪ [jazz on radio] 254 00:10:48,299 --> 00:10:50,475 Looks like you're gonna be my only business this whole week, sir. 255 00:10:50,519 --> 00:10:51,868 What'll you have? 256 00:10:51,912 --> 00:10:54,741 -A little peace and quiet. -[radio off] 257 00:10:54,784 --> 00:10:57,439 Hey, what'd you do that for? That was "Mañana." 258 00:10:57,482 --> 00:10:59,702 Frankly, Sergeant, that aboriginal noise 259 00:10:59,746 --> 00:11:02,444 that you call music makes me want to upchuck. 260 00:11:02,487 --> 00:11:04,446 -Don't you have any Rachmaninoff? -Nah. 261 00:11:04,489 --> 00:11:07,231 -We don't get any vodka here, sir. -[door opens] 262 00:11:07,275 --> 00:11:09,494 -Let's find another Officers' Club. -Come on. 263 00:11:09,538 --> 00:11:11,235 -Is he still bothering you? -Yes, he is. 264 00:11:11,279 --> 00:11:12,759 -That's childish and chicken. -Is not. 265 00:11:12,802 --> 00:11:14,282 -Is too. -Is not. 266 00:11:14,325 --> 00:11:16,458 Is too. Childish and chicken. Come here. 267 00:11:16,501 --> 00:11:18,590 It's a little quiet in here. 268 00:11:18,634 --> 00:11:20,592 -Let's have some music. -♪♪ [jazz] 269 00:11:20,636 --> 00:11:22,725 -[groans] -Mind if we join you, stranger? 270 00:11:22,769 --> 00:11:24,553 It's a semi-free country. 271 00:11:24,596 --> 00:11:25,902 Charles, congratulations 272 00:11:25,946 --> 00:11:27,251 on that splenectomy this morning. 273 00:11:27,295 --> 00:11:29,123 That was really great work. 274 00:11:29,166 --> 00:11:30,254 Well, thank you, Pierce. 275 00:11:30,298 --> 00:11:31,299 It's 120 degrees. 276 00:11:31,342 --> 00:11:32,909 Why aren't you sweating? 277 00:11:32,953 --> 00:11:35,651 In the first place, I don't sweat. I perspire. 278 00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:38,219 And in the second place, I don't perspire. 279 00:11:38,262 --> 00:11:40,787 Beers for everybody, Zale. 280 00:11:40,830 --> 00:11:42,919 -You payin'? -Yeah, just put it on my tab. 281 00:11:42,963 --> 00:11:46,140 -In that case, the bar's closed. -The bar is what? 282 00:11:46,183 --> 00:11:48,795 Captain, you've already run up a tab of 50 bucks. 283 00:11:48,838 --> 00:11:50,448 The limit's supposed to be 20. 284 00:11:50,492 --> 00:11:53,147 -Can you believe this guy? -After all you owe him. 285 00:11:53,190 --> 00:11:55,062 You better not come down with anything I can cure. 286 00:11:55,105 --> 00:11:57,064 No cash, no firewater. 287 00:11:57,107 --> 00:11:59,370 -I'm starting not to like Korea. -Just a moment, Pierce. 288 00:11:59,414 --> 00:12:02,460 Let me handle this, please. Here you are, Zelmo. 289 00:12:02,504 --> 00:12:04,985 That should clear his ledger. 290 00:12:05,028 --> 00:12:07,117 Charles, sometimes you can be a real prince. 291 00:12:07,161 --> 00:12:09,380 -Said the pauper. -Three beers, Zale. 292 00:12:09,424 --> 00:12:11,165 -Just two. -Stick around. 293 00:12:11,208 --> 00:12:12,906 We'll talk about all the old times we're gonna have. 294 00:12:12,949 --> 00:12:14,690 Perhaps mañana. 295 00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,692 -You'll be sorry. -Don't be crazy. 296 00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,041 Winchester, thanks again. 297 00:12:18,085 --> 00:12:20,522 Oh, don't-- don't mention it. 298 00:12:20,565 --> 00:12:22,524 Uh, Pierce, I could use that beer a little later. 299 00:12:22,567 --> 00:12:25,527 -Any time. -Good. I'll be off duty around 10. 300 00:12:25,570 --> 00:12:28,660 Be a good chap, bring it to me in the Swamp, all right? 301 00:12:28,704 --> 00:12:32,099 I have the uneasy feeling I've just been had. 302 00:12:32,142 --> 00:12:34,057 Perhaps that's because you've just been had. 303 00:12:34,101 --> 00:12:36,494 He actually ordered me to get him a beer. 304 00:12:36,538 --> 00:12:39,280 -You actually said "Any time." -The nerve of that guy! 305 00:12:39,323 --> 00:12:41,282 -You're being childish and chicken. -I am not. 306 00:12:41,325 --> 00:12:42,500 -Are too. -Am not! 307 00:12:42,544 --> 00:12:43,719 Are too. Childish and chicken. 308 00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:45,765 [clucking] 309 00:12:52,597 --> 00:12:54,164 The nerve of that guy! 310 00:12:54,208 --> 00:12:56,340 Sit down, will ya? You're scuffing the dirt. 311 00:12:56,384 --> 00:12:58,516 Who does he think he is, the Merchant of Korea? 312 00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:00,605 Stop crying. It's only a pound of flesh. 313 00:13:00,649 --> 00:13:03,826 -A pound of flesh, my butt. -Wherever. 314 00:13:03,870 --> 00:13:05,480 What do you suppose the sentence is 315 00:13:05,523 --> 00:13:07,134 for firing an officer out of a Howitzer? 316 00:13:07,177 --> 00:13:09,092 190 years, if you're a first offender. 317 00:13:09,136 --> 00:13:11,616 ♪♪ [humming] 318 00:13:13,227 --> 00:13:15,403 Very pretty. Spike Jones? 319 00:13:15,446 --> 00:13:17,405 Hardly. 320 00:13:17,448 --> 00:13:19,363 It's the drinking song from the first act of "Traviata." 321 00:13:19,407 --> 00:13:22,105 -Here. Sing this. -Ah. 322 00:13:22,149 --> 00:13:25,543 Thank you, Pierce. A bit warm. 323 00:13:25,587 --> 00:13:26,980 Bring up the Howitzer. 324 00:13:27,023 --> 00:13:28,503 Relax, will ya? 325 00:13:28,546 --> 00:13:31,462 Take it easy. 326 00:13:31,506 --> 00:13:33,464 -Let's play cards. -I don't wanna play cards. 327 00:13:33,508 --> 00:13:35,727 Of course you do. A little game at the Officers' Club. 328 00:13:35,771 --> 00:13:38,252 Just the usual crowd you, me, Charles-- 329 00:13:38,295 --> 00:13:41,298 Charles? Charles! 330 00:13:41,342 --> 00:13:43,866 Perfect. Charles. 331 00:13:43,910 --> 00:13:45,520 How about a little poker? 332 00:13:45,563 --> 00:13:47,957 Oh, thank you, no. It's not really my game. 333 00:13:48,001 --> 00:13:50,699 Now, if you had a cribbage board... 334 00:13:50,742 --> 00:13:52,657 Sorry, there's only one in the whole country, 335 00:13:52,701 --> 00:13:54,181 and they're using that at the peace talks. 336 00:13:54,224 --> 00:13:56,052 If the stakes bother you, we could play penny ante. 337 00:13:56,096 --> 00:13:58,054 What's the point of playing at all? 338 00:13:58,098 --> 00:14:02,580 -How about dollar ante? -Well, all right. 339 00:14:02,624 --> 00:14:04,582 But I must warn you, I'm a very lucky person. 340 00:14:04,626 --> 00:14:06,541 Oh, we all are. That's why we're in Korea. 341 00:14:06,584 --> 00:14:07,803 Come on, let's round everybody up. 342 00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,065 Before you can say "A pair of deuces." 343 00:14:09,109 --> 00:14:11,198 [Hawkeye laughing] 344 00:14:11,241 --> 00:14:12,677 That was a stroke of genius. 345 00:14:12,721 --> 00:14:14,027 True. Now how do we stake ourselves? 346 00:14:14,070 --> 00:14:16,029 -We beg. -Bad knees. 347 00:14:16,072 --> 00:14:18,031 You take the high road. I'll take the low road. 348 00:14:18,074 --> 00:14:20,033 And I'll be in the chips before you. 349 00:14:20,076 --> 00:14:21,948 -Halt! Who goes there? -Ask me nice. 350 00:14:21,991 --> 00:14:23,297 -Captain Pierce? -Probably. 351 00:14:23,340 --> 00:14:25,081 How would you like to make a lot of money? 352 00:14:25,125 --> 00:14:27,083 Of course. What kind of a psycho do you think I am? 353 00:14:27,127 --> 00:14:29,129 Hunnicutt and I are getting up a poker game. 354 00:14:29,172 --> 00:14:30,782 We've invited Winchester to be the rube of honor. 355 00:14:30,826 --> 00:14:32,306 -Ooh! I'm in! -Wait a minute. 356 00:14:32,349 --> 00:14:33,916 Wait a minute. Before you hit the casino, 357 00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:35,831 -can you make a donation to the underprivileged? -You? 358 00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,659 -Me. -Hey, you can have the blouse off my back. 359 00:14:37,702 --> 00:14:39,574 Just the money. 360 00:14:39,617 --> 00:14:41,402 I really should stay here. 361 00:14:41,445 --> 00:14:43,970 My sermon still needs a big finish. 362 00:14:44,013 --> 00:14:45,754 We've got a rookie in the lineup tonight. 363 00:14:45,797 --> 00:14:49,105 Charles Emerson Winchester. 364 00:14:49,149 --> 00:14:52,543 -Is he any good? -What do you think? 365 00:14:52,587 --> 00:14:54,415 I'll ad-lib the ending. 366 00:14:54,458 --> 00:14:57,461 -HAWKEYE: Oh, Major? -I'm not here. 367 00:14:57,505 --> 00:14:59,463 Oh, I love what you've done with this room. 368 00:14:59,507 --> 00:15:02,118 Did you make a special trip over here just to harass me? 369 00:15:02,162 --> 00:15:04,599 Well, that and to ask for your hand in a poker game. 370 00:15:04,642 --> 00:15:06,601 Poker game? [chuckles] 371 00:15:06,644 --> 00:15:08,646 Look around you. I can't even afford 372 00:15:08,690 --> 00:15:10,735 the buck and a half to have my laundry done. 373 00:15:10,779 --> 00:15:13,347 -Do what I do: wear the same thing every day. -Yuck. 374 00:15:13,390 --> 00:15:16,002 Margaret, take the advice of an old and trusted lech. 375 00:15:16,045 --> 00:15:18,918 Hunt up some money from your nurses and join in the fun. 376 00:15:18,961 --> 00:15:21,616 We're turning Winchester into Losechester. 377 00:15:21,659 --> 00:15:23,792 Charles? He doesn't play poker. 378 00:15:23,835 --> 00:15:25,228 Not after tonight. 379 00:15:25,272 --> 00:15:27,622 Oh! That's unfair. 380 00:15:27,665 --> 00:15:29,754 It's practically robbery. 381 00:15:29,798 --> 00:15:31,582 With a little money, you could have all this folded professionally. 382 00:15:31,626 --> 00:15:33,106 When do we start? 383 00:15:33,149 --> 00:15:35,412 We ante up in the Officers' Club in 10 minutes. 384 00:15:36,674 --> 00:15:38,024 -Oh, Colonel-- -I heard, I heard. 385 00:15:38,067 --> 00:15:39,764 I'll see you at the table. 386 00:15:42,289 --> 00:15:44,247 -Radar. -Buzz off. 387 00:15:44,291 --> 00:15:47,163 -Radar! -Buzz off. I'm sleeping. 388 00:15:47,207 --> 00:15:49,644 [gasps] Colonel! Oh, I'm sorry, sir. 389 00:15:49,687 --> 00:15:51,341 I don't know who I'm buzzing off when I'm asleep. 390 00:15:51,385 --> 00:15:53,865 Quite all right. Son, I wanna take you up on that loan. 391 00:15:53,909 --> 00:15:56,303 -Now? -A hot poker game waits for no man. 392 00:15:56,346 --> 00:15:58,174 Ooh! How hot is it, sir? 393 00:15:58,218 --> 00:16:00,785 -Major Winchester's sitting in. -Major Winchester? 394 00:16:00,829 --> 00:16:03,092 Gee, sir, is it okay if I save some so I can get in it? 395 00:16:03,136 --> 00:16:04,485 Radar, around our house, 396 00:16:04,528 --> 00:16:06,139 we always carve the ham equally. 397 00:16:06,182 --> 00:16:07,705 That's wonderful, sir. 398 00:16:07,749 --> 00:16:09,359 Is it okay if I save some so I can get in it? 399 00:16:09,403 --> 00:16:11,579 Of course. I should've found a way to tell you that. 400 00:16:13,276 --> 00:16:15,452 'Round and 'round they go. 401 00:16:15,496 --> 00:16:17,933 Here come the cards. There goes your dough. 402 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:20,892 Major Houlihan, I'm really surprised to see you sitting in on this game. 403 00:16:20,936 --> 00:16:23,808 Oh, a little poker always relaxes me. 404 00:16:23,852 --> 00:16:27,421 -Hurry up with those cards! -Okey-dokey. 405 00:16:27,464 --> 00:16:29,727 -♪♪ [humming] -[knocking] 406 00:16:29,771 --> 00:16:31,120 Nu? 407 00:16:31,164 --> 00:16:33,514 Oh, my. 408 00:16:33,557 --> 00:16:37,605 Well, I'll, uh, hmm, open for 10. 409 00:16:37,648 --> 00:16:41,043 -I'm in. -Call. 410 00:16:41,087 --> 00:16:43,741 Replacements, anybody? 411 00:16:43,785 --> 00:16:48,181 Oh, gee. Well, I'll I'll take four. 412 00:16:50,792 --> 00:16:53,229 Very good, Charles. You're starting with one of a kind. 413 00:16:53,273 --> 00:16:56,667 -Two. -I'll see that and raise 10. 414 00:16:56,711 --> 00:16:58,626 -POTTER: Give me one. -Keep it in your garter, Klinger. 415 00:16:58,669 --> 00:16:59,757 The bullpen's over there. 416 00:16:59,801 --> 00:17:01,281 Thought you were on guard duty. 417 00:17:01,324 --> 00:17:03,152 I bribed Nurse Able in takin' over. 418 00:17:03,196 --> 00:17:04,936 I'm gonna miss Sang Mu's pearls. 419 00:17:04,980 --> 00:17:07,765 Oh, well. Caution to the wind. 420 00:17:07,809 --> 00:17:11,247 -I'll bet two dollars. -I'll keep them company 421 00:17:11,291 --> 00:17:13,423 and raise you 20. 422 00:17:13,467 --> 00:17:14,990 Call. 423 00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:16,905 Well, no sense in bein' greedy. 424 00:17:16,948 --> 00:17:19,038 We're gonna be here all night. Call. 425 00:17:21,910 --> 00:17:24,086 Call. Mm-hmm? 426 00:17:24,130 --> 00:17:25,696 Three kings. 427 00:17:25,740 --> 00:17:28,612 -[all groaning] -He always wins the first hand. 428 00:17:28,656 --> 00:17:31,224 [chuckles] Until tonight. 429 00:17:31,267 --> 00:17:33,095 I believe that, uh, 430 00:17:33,139 --> 00:17:35,793 a straight beats three kings. 431 00:17:35,837 --> 00:17:38,231 -What? -A four-card draw, 432 00:17:38,274 --> 00:17:39,884 and he gets a straight? 433 00:17:39,928 --> 00:17:42,191 It's awfully lucky, wouldn't you say? 434 00:17:42,235 --> 00:17:44,976 More like blessed. 435 00:17:45,020 --> 00:17:46,282 ♪♪ [whistling "Lidia" from "La Traviata"] 436 00:17:46,326 --> 00:17:48,110 B.J.: I don't believe this is happening. 437 00:17:48,154 --> 00:17:50,112 First the war, and now this. 438 00:17:50,156 --> 00:17:51,722 POTTER: Whose idea was this? 439 00:17:51,766 --> 00:17:54,116 Ask the five-card stud. 440 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:55,596 Look at him. He doesn't sweat. 441 00:17:55,639 --> 00:17:57,989 I never saw anybody who doesn't sweat. 442 00:17:58,033 --> 00:17:59,817 Sure you have in the Reptile House. 443 00:17:59,861 --> 00:18:01,254 I'm gonna fold 444 00:18:01,297 --> 00:18:02,864 while I still have a little left for the orphans. 445 00:18:02,907 --> 00:18:05,519 Oh, here, Father. Please. Give them my-- Well. 446 00:18:05,562 --> 00:18:06,694 Give them my best. 447 00:18:06,737 --> 00:18:11,786 Yes. Well, good night, everyone. 448 00:18:11,829 --> 00:18:13,744 Good night, Mr. Chip. 449 00:18:13,788 --> 00:18:17,096 ♪♪ [whistling "Lidia"] 450 00:18:18,836 --> 00:18:21,274 Hmm. 451 00:18:21,317 --> 00:18:23,145 What do you think? 452 00:18:23,189 --> 00:18:24,146 I agree. 453 00:18:25,278 --> 00:18:26,235 I'm in. 454 00:18:27,367 --> 00:18:28,542 Don't you know anything 455 00:18:28,585 --> 00:18:29,760 from the second act? 456 00:18:29,804 --> 00:18:30,935 ♪ Raise you 20 457 00:18:30,979 --> 00:18:32,546 Curtain going down. 458 00:18:32,589 --> 00:18:34,504 You deal, Charles. 459 00:18:34,548 --> 00:18:37,246 -Haven't you two masochists had enough? -Yes. Deal. 460 00:18:37,290 --> 00:18:39,509 -Come on. Deal the cards. -Will you deal, please, sir? 461 00:18:39,553 --> 00:18:41,598 Well, I hate to break your losing streak, gentlemen, 462 00:18:41,642 --> 00:18:43,513 but I'm going out for a little fresh air. 463 00:18:43,557 --> 00:18:46,299 -We'll have some sent in. Deal. -Come on! Deal! 464 00:18:46,342 --> 00:18:48,823 -[all shouting] -I'll be back. I'll be back. 465 00:18:48,866 --> 00:18:51,173 I've just been using the same muscles for three hours. 466 00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:54,698 I thought I'd stretch the others. 467 00:18:54,742 --> 00:18:57,571 ♪♪ [humming "Lidia"] 468 00:19:02,706 --> 00:19:05,840 I'd give Radar's last dollar to know how he's doing it. 469 00:19:05,883 --> 00:19:08,495 -You're almost there, sir. -Maybe he's cheating. 470 00:19:08,538 --> 00:19:10,105 How? I hid all the aces. 471 00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:11,454 It's not the winning I mind. 472 00:19:11,498 --> 00:19:13,021 It's that damn smugness. 473 00:19:13,064 --> 00:19:16,024 ♪♪ [whistling "Lidia"] 474 00:19:16,067 --> 00:19:17,547 And that insipid whistling. 475 00:19:17,591 --> 00:19:19,201 Coming out of that insipid face. 476 00:19:19,245 --> 00:19:20,855 He doesn't even stop when he's got a bad hand. 477 00:19:20,898 --> 00:19:22,509 He just keeps whistling louder. 478 00:19:22,552 --> 00:19:24,206 He whistles louder when he's got nothing. 479 00:19:24,250 --> 00:19:25,860 When he's got nothing! 480 00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:29,603 [all laughing] 481 00:19:32,258 --> 00:19:33,824 He whistles louder-- 482 00:19:33,868 --> 00:19:36,479 ALL: ...when he's got nothing! 483 00:19:36,523 --> 00:19:39,178 Oh! 484 00:19:39,221 --> 00:19:40,614 Rhapsody in Bluff. 485 00:19:40,657 --> 00:19:42,485 Folks, I think we've got him. 486 00:19:42,529 --> 00:19:44,400 -[all laughing] -What? What? 487 00:19:44,444 --> 00:19:47,925 I'm sorry, but those orphans need the money more than you. 488 00:19:47,969 --> 00:19:50,667 After tonight, they'll have enough cash to buy every parent in Korea. 489 00:19:50,711 --> 00:19:52,147 Winchester is finished. 490 00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:53,670 We got him by his mezzo-soprano. 491 00:19:53,714 --> 00:19:55,977 I heard this about $60 ago. 492 00:19:56,020 --> 00:19:58,936 -We got a new scouting report. -Please. It's useless. 493 00:19:58,980 --> 00:20:02,244 There's nothing you can say to change my mind. 494 00:20:02,288 --> 00:20:05,204 That whistling he does gets louder when he's bluffing. 495 00:20:07,945 --> 00:20:10,644 -Are you sure? -Would we lie to you? 496 00:20:10,687 --> 00:20:13,777 Let's get to it. 497 00:20:13,821 --> 00:20:17,607 Oh, wait. I have an extra 20 in my boxing glove. 498 00:20:17,651 --> 00:20:20,219 [birds chirping] 499 00:20:20,262 --> 00:20:23,178 [chuckling] 500 00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:25,963 I'll raise it 10. You in, Chuckles? 501 00:20:26,007 --> 00:20:28,923 [voice cracking] Ten? 502 00:20:28,966 --> 00:20:31,795 I'd love to stay in, but l I'm a little short. 503 00:20:31,839 --> 00:20:33,449 Do either of you fellows still owe me any money? 504 00:20:33,493 --> 00:20:35,277 Paid it all back an hour ago. 505 00:20:35,321 --> 00:20:38,759 Ah. Well, I was decent enough to loan you guys some money. 506 00:20:38,802 --> 00:20:41,849 Say no more, Charles. Will 20 do? 507 00:20:41,892 --> 00:20:44,895 -And 20 from me. -Thank you. 508 00:20:44,939 --> 00:20:49,813 You're going to regret your generosity. Raise you 30. 509 00:20:55,863 --> 00:20:59,083 ♪♪ [whistling loudly] 510 00:20:59,127 --> 00:21:01,085 -KLINGER: I can see that. -I call. 511 00:21:01,129 --> 00:21:03,218 And to think I've always hated opera. 512 00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:05,176 ♪♪ [stops] 513 00:21:05,220 --> 00:21:08,179 Isn't anyone gonna fold? 514 00:21:08,223 --> 00:21:10,138 Just a bunch of masochists. 515 00:21:10,181 --> 00:21:13,010 Major, you're sweating on the cards. 516 00:21:13,054 --> 00:21:16,013 -Oh. -HAWKEYE: Come on. You called. 517 00:21:17,711 --> 00:21:20,844 -A pair of sixes. -B.J.: Pair of sixes, hey. 518 00:21:20,888 --> 00:21:23,847 Can anyone, or everyone, beat a pair of sixes? 519 00:21:23,891 --> 00:21:25,936 -Jacks over eights. -KLINGER: Well, that's good. 520 00:21:25,980 --> 00:21:27,982 POTTER: Well, looks like you're the joker, Major. 521 00:21:28,025 --> 00:21:30,506 What do you say we call it a rout? We'll cash in later. 522 00:21:30,550 --> 00:21:32,508 Thank you, Charles. 523 00:21:32,552 --> 00:21:35,729 This will make Donald very happy if I tell him. 524 00:21:35,772 --> 00:21:38,819 All right, Radar, this makes us even. 525 00:21:38,862 --> 00:21:41,517 -You can trust me. -I know, sir. 526 00:21:41,561 --> 00:21:46,043 -You say "I know," but you keep counting. -I know, sir. 527 00:21:46,087 --> 00:21:49,525 From the orphans, Major. 528 00:21:49,569 --> 00:21:51,875 Father, thank you. 529 00:21:51,919 --> 00:21:54,225 Thanks very much, Winchester. Lovely evening. 530 00:21:54,269 --> 00:21:56,010 ♪♪ [all whistling opera] 531 00:21:56,053 --> 00:21:58,491 -MULCAHY: Good morning, Major. -[laughter] 532 00:22:00,928 --> 00:22:02,712 Well, it certainly looks as though 533 00:22:02,756 --> 00:22:04,671 I've been taken to the proverbial cleaners. 534 00:22:04,714 --> 00:22:06,368 You've been proverbially washed, 535 00:22:06,412 --> 00:22:08,762 dried, folded, and put in the dryer. 536 00:22:08,805 --> 00:22:11,025 Oh, Pierce, I've spent more than this 537 00:22:11,068 --> 00:22:13,070 on a late-night snack at home. 538 00:22:13,114 --> 00:22:15,246 You gotta admire a guy who takes it so well. 539 00:22:15,290 --> 00:22:17,988 I'm a Winchester, Hunnicutt. A Winchester. 540 00:22:18,032 --> 00:22:21,209 My, my, my. This place certainly is a mess. 541 00:22:21,252 --> 00:22:23,080 You know, it's the Officers' Club. 542 00:22:23,124 --> 00:22:24,778 I think an officer should clean it up. 543 00:22:24,821 --> 00:22:26,170 Perhaps someone who owes us a favor. 544 00:22:26,214 --> 00:22:28,434 A Winchester, Hunnicutt. A Winchester. 545 00:22:28,477 --> 00:22:31,567 Are you implying that I should clean up? 546 00:22:31,611 --> 00:22:33,656 Are you forgetting we loaned you money? 547 00:22:36,050 --> 00:22:38,095 Oh, that's right. You did. 548 00:22:38,139 --> 00:22:40,881 Don't worry about it, Hawk. He's a swell guy. He'll do it. 549 00:22:40,924 --> 00:22:43,666 We'll be in the Mess Tent having iced cappuccino. 550 00:22:43,710 --> 00:22:45,581 Uh, would you put out some fresh flowers? 551 00:22:45,625 --> 00:22:47,670 B.J.: Don't forget the window. And clean the drapes. 552 00:22:47,714 --> 00:22:50,456 HAWKEYE: And keep out of the liquor cabinet. 553 00:22:52,022 --> 00:22:55,939 ♪ Mañana 554 00:22:55,983 --> 00:22:58,028 ♪ Mañana 555 00:22:58,072 --> 00:23:00,596 ♪ Mañana is good enough for me ♪ 556 00:23:05,209 --> 00:23:07,516 Yeah, I've got the bottle of dirt right here with me. 557 00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:09,953 It's just like I remembered it. 558 00:23:09,997 --> 00:23:12,608 We'll start building the day I get home. 559 00:23:14,741 --> 00:23:17,047 Okay, the second day. 560 00:23:18,353 --> 00:23:22,226 It's ours, Peg. All ours. 561 00:23:22,270 --> 00:23:26,187 Yeah. I love you too, sweetheart. 562 00:23:26,230 --> 00:23:30,060 Give Erin a kiss for me. And the dog. 563 00:23:30,104 --> 00:23:32,323 Till then. 564 00:23:32,367 --> 00:23:33,673 Bye, Peg. 565 00:23:37,111 --> 00:23:39,156 Mwah! 566 00:23:40,288 --> 00:23:43,552 ♪♪ [theme]